Shock and Awe- common assumptions about a real girl.

It has come to my attention recently that there appears to be a trend in my interactions with people I  have only just met. Specifically those of the male gender. Of course I’m sure that all of you who have read some of my earlier posts think me to be a maneater/hater, and however useless it is to claim otherwise I promise that it’s not true at all. I love men. I mean really I do.  And I assure you I’m quite accepting for the most part. I’m just…not a doormat. 

ANYWHO- trends with men. Right.  Ok so I’ve noticed that guys I am interacting with and just starting to get to know seem to naturally assume things about, and most men seem to have the same assumptions about me in common. I’m not sure what this is due to, if it’s my personality, the way I look, or some vibe I give off, but there’s a notable trend.  The second related trend is that there are certain things that every guy, and some girls too, seem to be shocked to learn about me. Again- not sure as to the origins of this trend, but I plan to investigate. 

So just in case you’re curious, I am going to supply you lucky reader, with a list of the top 5 of each.  Now before I do that I’d like to acknowledge that not all of these are unique to me, I’m sure there are plenty of girls like me who get the same shocked reaction when she announces these things, or has guys naturally make the same erroneous assumptions about her… I’m just pointing them out because Ithink it’s interesting/entertaining.

Lets begin shall we? I’m going to start in the reverse order that these were presented, just to be a rebel.

“Shocking” Facts About me, In order of Shock Value

1.      1.  I have tattoos.  Yes, plural.  It’s shocking enough that I have one, but MULTIPLE?!  Oh lordy this girl must be a closet wild card!  “You just don’t look like the kind of girl who would have tattoos!” Ok…so what does the girl who looks like she’d have tattoos look like?  Oh right- I don’t wear all black, or belly shirts, so that disqualifies me for the punk/rebel and tramp-stamp hooker role huh?

2.     2.   I have never “been with” or even  kissed a girl.  The IMMEDIATE first reaction is disbelief. Automatically-  “Are you SERIOUS?  I don’t mean have sex, but you’ve never even KISSED another girl!  All the girls at the parties do it!”  Well believe it or not some women are simply not attracted to other women. Also some are not so easily seduced by the amount of alcohol in their system. So no- I have not so much as touched lips with another female above the age of 3, who is not related to me.  WHOA!

3.    3.    I’m actually intelligent.  For some reason this is shocking. Not in the  “–gasp-   You-You’re actually SMART!” way, but in the, “every time I have a logical intellectual debate, men  use the ‘wow you’re really smart, I’ve never met  a girl like you!’” way.  Yes, that has happened to me with nearly each one of the guys I’ve talked to.  And let me tell you gentlemen- I’m NOT the only other intelligent woman out there.  A LOT actually.  So either you’re being atrociously chauvinist and sexist- or you surround yourself with too many bimbos.  Just sayin’

4.      4. I’m not afraid of camping/snakes/bugs/getting dirty in general.  This is one of those that is so shocking it’s unbelievable.   They give me the narrow-eyed-squinty-look of skepticism.  “But…you pain your nails. And you don’t look butch, or wear cowgirl boots…I’m confused.”  Then once I’ve explained that my father is a biologist and I’ve grown up camping, playing in the mud and making friends with creepy-crawlies…they proclaim that they’ll “have to see it.” Something about being little with big eyes means you can’t play in the dirt and enjoy it.

5.      5.  I’m left-handed.  This is a more universal one as well, something about being left-handed is CCCRRAAAYYYZZYY!  “Wow that’s crazy!  I can’t write at all with my left hand!” whoa! I can’t write with my right!! Duuuude.

Common Assumptions

1.       1. They can beat me at literally anything physical- minus dancing.  “Oh you played soccer for 10 years?  I’ve never played, but I could totally kick your ass. Let’s play RIGHT NOW so I can prove to you how awesome and masculine I am!”  Ok, so I’m not tall, and I am not built. And I probably weigh as much as your left leg…that doesn’t mean that you’re instantly better than me at everything athletic.  Maybe you think it’s cute to repeatedly tell me how much better you are at sports than I am, but when we get out to that soccer field I know which balls I’m kicking first.

2.       2. 3That I must love chick flicks- and relatedly must hate action films.  I’m a woman! And I wear makeup, paint my nails, and sometimes wear pink! Clearly that qualifies me for the Nick Sparks fan club right? No.  Not even kind of.  In fact Nicholas Sparks’ terrible conglomerate of predictable plots and atrocious storyline flaws, unrealistic characters and vomitously mushy line sequences makes me feel immediately compelled to become violent using the nearest blunt object.  In fact I would choose an action film over a chick flick 99% of the time!  The 1% is reserved for romantic movies based off of 1800s classics, like Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice. 

3.    3.  I’m a bad driver.  Maybe they assume this of all women in general, but it seems to be especially directed at me. You can’t possibly be a feminine woman who laughs a lot AND be a good driver! It just doesn’t happen!  Question gents- how many things have YOU hit? B/c my count, after 5 years is still at 0!  I’ll admit to one speeding ticket, but that’s the max damage. You’re probably safer riding with me than driving yourself anywhere!

4.      4.  I don’t understand sarcasm.  I don’t know why but for some reason I appear as  being “too innocent or naïve” to actually understand witty exchanges.  Guys are always explaining “I was being sarcastic” or “I was just kidding” or “It was a joke” to me.  Ok it’s sweet that you care enough to clarify- but I GOT IT.  If I’m not standing up screaming when you tell me you think I’m really a man…chances are I got that it was a sarcastic comment. Thanks though!

5.       5. I never eat.  I get this from both girls and guys admittedly.  But by the 2^nd or 3^rd dinner date a guy inevitably is telling me to eat more.  I’ve decided that this is because I’m small. This seems obvious, but they fail to take into consideration that my small stature doesn’t ALLOW me to eat much!  Proportionally I eat like a man. I snack all day…just look at my size physically! It should be no shock to you that I can’t ingest 4 beers and ¾ of a pizza in one sitting!

Cat and Mouse: the most stupid game the genders play

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about; that game we all insist on playing when we're at all young. 
And even if you say you don't play it, oh friend, you do. 
There are so many variations of this stupid little game that we cater to as if it's normal, that we don't realize it.  One could even say that we're socialized to play it.  And if you're sitting there scratching your head saying "I really have no idea what she's talking about! Cat and mouse? How ridiculous!"... Let me spell it out for you.  In purely stereotypical terms.  Please note that this game, being complex, convoluted, and honed for hundreds of years has many different variations and facets. I'm just naming a few.  Let's review how this game can be played- in GENDER STEREOTYPICAL terms! yay!  Please note that I am in no way indicating that men are always one way and women the other, as I'll list, sometimes the roles are reversed. I'm just covering the most common and stereotypical habits of "the game".

• Men (the stereotypical "Cat")
• Playing "hard to get" (yes gents, YOU do this too, like when you insist on not calling us for three days after we've met, and we BOTH know you like us...)
• Pretending you're not interested. Yeah, we're on to you. Of course those of us who are rational know that you're not ALWAYS interested, sometimes you genuinely are not interested us. And that's ok!  But when you try to play that little mind game (the image of a cat playing with its food comes to mind)  where you act slightly uninterested and try to hide the proverbial drool coming out of the corner of your mouth, scan the room a bit, wait a while, make her feel like she judged you wrong, maybe go flirt with the uggo or slut in the corner and then waltz back, the drink we've had all night in hand and compliments ready... THAT sir, is Cat and Mouse, and YOU are the cat.  Which seems great. Until the mouse gets tired of waiting and drifts away, or the positions are reversed and she becomes a jungle cat and tries to eat you.  Not in a good way either.
• Then there's the very despicable version of cat and mouse-  this involves when a guy cuts down a perfectly good "mouse" until she's wondering if she looks anywhere near as good as she thought when her friends squealed that she was the "sexiest bitch on the planet!" and she tottered out in her red high heels.  This is the extra deluxe douchebag version of the game.  Once she's good and self-conscious, he turns on the charm.  Or maybe he has a friend cut her down, and swoops in afterwards to shower her with compliments and try to take her home.  
• Then there's the "aggressive cat" game, which is essentially a game only to HIM, because SHE isn't interested, and he won't give up, and believes himself to best the baddassingest cat in the whole goddamn alley.  Not so much.
• The "luring the mouse into the...'cat lair'...or whatever" move.  We all know this one-  where even though you've had several dates, and they seemed to go well, he suddenly stops talking as much, or just backed off.  Yes, this could mean that he's not interested anymore. Or he's busy. Or that you've made a horrible mistake.  OR- it can be that he's playing "clever kitty" and waiting for the mouse to come to HIM.
• Finally- we get the universal, "bipolar cat and mouse", where he feels the need to play the charming and sexy cat, until his little mouse is cuddling right up to his whiskers...when suddenly he becomes the mouse, and scurries away, waiting for HER to become the cat.  This is an awful tactic- stupid game or not, but we'll discuss that later.

• Women (the proverbial "Mouse")
• Playing "coy" (oh look at how she tilts her head and bats  her eyelashes, then refuses to let him buy her a drink!)
• Making him do ALL the work. Come on ladies. We all do it.  We play the stereotypical mouse to a 'T'.  We preen, and suggest, and lick our lips sweetly with our best "come hither" look, but in the end he's the one who HAS to approach us to buy us a drink. Or ask us home, to dance, or even to sit near us!  We make him text first, call first, email first, ask us out first.  We're essentially wafting our scent as a yummy snack for the hungry cat, and then tiptoeing into that little hidey hole we know he can't reach his paw into!  Not that being easy is a better alternative, but there's a balance!
• Playing cat and TIGER. Now some of us over-do it.  We decide to compensate for hating being a mouse, and being EXPECTED to be a mouse, we're going to be a tiger instead, and go after the cat! Aggresively.  We've all seen that girl.  Buying half the guys in the bar a drink, insisting he come to HER place, collecting all of his contact information JUST IN CASE his cell phone, home phone, and laptop are dead!  This can also be called "being a ho".  But note that you don't have to be an LBD wearing hussy to be a Tiger.
• Playing Mouse as a means to an end.  Yeah we all do it sometimes, we use our "come hither" mouse tactic to lure them in, buy us drinks, flirt, and have no intention of anything else, no movie dates, no coffee dates, and certainly no ending up at his place. We might not even be attracted to him at all!  All part of the game!
• The "uninterested mouse" or "bitchy mouse." (also see "bipolar cat and mouse")  Yep. We do it too, same as men.  So this is a bit of a role reversal as well.  Never let him know how much you like him, he'll work harder right?  Maybe not.  This is why the game is so ridiculous!

So laid out like this it all seems pretty petty and "high school-ish" doesn't it?  

THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS!!

Now some of you might argue that the game is "fun" or "sexy" or even "part of human nature".  I have a rebuttal for each of those. 

 Is it "fun" when the game doesn't work out like you planned? Because as a women being both a cat AND a mouse, I can recall MANY more instances of when it DIDN'T work than when I decided NOT to play the game!  How many times does it work out like you actually wanted it to? Not many right?  

Sexy? Ok, so maybe it's sexy when you're in the throes of lust, but my guess is that you didn't GET there by playing the game! Cat and mouse works occasionally, I'll give that.  And if you're looking for a one-night-stand then it probably works more often than above insinuated.  However, if you're looking for ANYTHING more than a one night stand and walk of shame, (like a 2 night stand. Or casual dating even) it's not so effective! It's not sexy waiting for someone to call, or text you back. It's not sexy when one side is always doing all the work. It's not sexy to wonder if they ACTUALLY like you or not! 

 As for being "part of human nature"-  I'm pretty sure cave-people didn't play that game.  "Ungh" was probably like "hey, want to come back to my cave?" and "Grunh" most likely responded "yeah. Why not?".  No games. They both knew they wanted eachother's company, or whatever else, and just went for it.

So what can we do INSTEAD of the game?!  I have a new game!  How about "Blunt and Honest Human"?  

Now this doesn't mean we can't flirt.  This doesn't mean we need to be skeezy and offensive and digusting and use horrible pickup lines.  No, it just means that you call each other WHEN YOU WANT TO, judgement free!  It means you text each other back whenever you WANT to, and if that's immediately, do it! If you're busy, fine! It means not waiting a "prescribed amount of time" to call or text back because you're afraid of what they think!  Be honest, be blunt. Let them KNOW that's how you're going to be so they don't have any misconceptions about why you're doing what you're doing! 

Ladies-  stop being a mouse! Play the "cat" role sometimes, ask HIM out, ask HIM what he's drinking, hell, tell him he has beautiful eyes! Text him first occasionally!  Plan the date YOURSELF every once in a while! Do it.  You'll feel better. He'll appreciate it.  Don't be a "limp noodle" girl! If you're interested, let him know! If you're not, ALSO let him know! If all you want is a *ahem* cuddle-buddy with no strings attached, TELL him that, and MEAN it!  If you're getting feelings for him, TELL HIM!  May be awkward at first, but it's better than playing a game and not knowing where you stand!

Gents-  Actually tell us how you're feeling!  If you like us, really like us, TELL us!  We'll appreciate the bluntness. If you're only looking for a one-nighter etc, tell us that TOO so we don't have unrealistic expectations and can walk away if we want to!  Don't play games with us, if you think her smile is sexy, and her hair smells like heaven even from across the bar, don't tell her that her thighs look a little thick before you compliment her!  Don't wait 3 days if you really like us.  We'll end up pissed that you haven't called if we really like you!  Answer our questions honestly, and DON'T play games!  As a woman, I am INFINITELY more attracted to a man who is blunt and tells it like it is. I don't want to have to guess! 

Whew! That was a long one!  I think I got it all out!  Let's play a NEW game people!  Next time you're tempted to buy into "Cat and Mouse", take a shot of whiskey, slap yourself in the face and start over.  =]